Fennel Schmennel

Ok. So. I have something to tell you. It may change how you feel about me, but I have to be honest with you.

I don't like cooking.

I frickin' hate it.

It doesn't inspire me. It doesn't feel like a creative endevour. It isn't a joy or a relaxing delight.

It is a pain in my ass.

If I could hire a small, perhaps monkey-like, minion to prepare ALL OF OUR MEALS I totally would. But, my husband says no... Cos monkeys throw their poo and apparently it would be 'unsanitary' for it to touch our food. I say 'whatever, dude. A poo throwing monkey chef would probably be a better cook than me, so it's YOUR LOSS!'

It's a bit taboo to say you don't like cooking. It goes against the earth mothery-nurturing image a lot of us think we are supposed to aspire to. But we never win that race, do we? There is always a new one starting any minute! Homemade cookies and mummy-guilt for everyone!!

Don't call child services- I feed my children and my husband. I make a nice curry, a passable chicken soup. I guess if I was a contestant on a cooking show, the judges would say 'where's the love?"

My answer: It's food. It's fuel. I have food issues, maybe. I am a bit overweight. The universe messes with my head when it comes to food as it is. But, you know, it's not love. Maybe that's the problem. linking food and worth and emotions. I love my family and I show them in a mutidude of ways that don't involve fennel.

What the hell is fennel anyway? Where was fennel ten years ago? All of a sudden every salad is meant to be about fennel!

Fennel schmennel

Do you like to cook? Do you have a monkey chef? Do you use fennel?

Owl Says #4

I have invited to my owls to guest post on Tuesdays. They have a lot of opinions.

Owl Says #3

I have invited to my owls to guest post on Tuesdays. They have a lot of opinions.

Televisually Speaking

So I watch TV. I always have. I like it heaps. I can't stand people who say, 'Oh, I don't even HAVE a TV... Or, 'We only watch ABC and SBS'... (When I was in primary school, my best friend was only allowed to watch the ABC. I was so chuffed to introduce her to Countdown! And her mum HAD to let us watch it, cos it was on the ABC. Loophole!)

I am sure there are awesome people out there who don't have TV's or who only watch ABC and SBS, but I'm talking about douchebag hipsters who only do certain things so they can SAY they do them in a superior way. You know these people. "Oh, my 3 yo only wears clothes made of hemp, has developed his own iPhone App, is homechooled and speaks Mandarin" 

Whatever, hipster. My 3yo wore a skivvy as pants all morning yesterday, and gave 'birth' to his teddys through the neck hole. I WIN.

Anyhoo, I like the television. We watched a fair amount of TV as kids.. The Muppets, Sesame Street, The Goodies, Monkee, Days of Our Lives, Who's the Boss, Happy Days... we were normal young Gen Xers in training. We also had an awesome family life full of experiences and fun. We are not freaks. It's totally normal to know the theme song to 'Facts of Life' but not be able to remember your own mobile phone number...

My kids watch TV. I have no issue with it. I am not going to say the 'hours per day' or whatever, cos I am sure someone will tell me I am melting thier brains. They play, they draw, they laugh, the fight, they watch some TV. Like normal people. I get so tired of people blaming TV for everything. What is going to be blamed when the hempwearing home schoolers grow up and turn into jerks? Everything in moderation, you know? 

My kids have fantastic vocabularies, They are well spoken and confident communicators. I think that is partially down to the influence of TV. They hear people communicating, they hear words and sentences they may not ordinarily hear. Thanks, TV.

....... This post was suppposed to be a post about my current Favourite TVshows, but I got sidetracked by that big high horse sitting over there. Just had to climb it. Whoops.

So, here is my current TV Top Five 

5) American Restoration

I like old crap. This show is about making old crap look new again! What's not to love? Rick is very good at what he does and seems like a nice bloke. His kid and the other lesser cast members aren't very good at pretending they're not on TV, but they get away with it. This show is like junk food TV- makes you feel good for a while, then you totally forget about it after.


4) American Pickers

We looove the pickers. Mike and Frank are awesome. They find old junk and sell it for heaps of money. We also watch the Canadian cousin of this show 'Cash Cowboys'. Every night Gavin says "Are there Pickers on tonight?" He gets sad when there's not. 

I wanna be a picker.

3) Grand Designs

I want Kevin Mcloud to judge my beautiful house that I made myself out of recycled plastic bags and dog hair. I love this show, but man, it makes me NUTSO when he goes back for his last visit and they haven't finished the frickin' house! Why did you go back, Kevin? Surely you knew it wasn't finished. Don't act surprised. We don't want to see the 85% finished house! Go back in a month when it's finished! We will still be here, we promise!

2) Derek

Ricky Gervais' new show is brilliant. It really is. So funny, so true, so cute, so sad, so thought provoking. Ricky is amazing, Karl Pilkington is fantastic. And holy shit, be prepared to SOB like an absolute dickhead during the last episode. Sweet baby jesus, I'm still recovering.

1) Girls

Girls is the story of four very different early-twenties girls in New York. It is raw and rude and funny and clever. Lena Dunham created, directs, produces and stars in this show. I saw an internet idiot the other day, commenting on the amount of nudity Lena partakes in on Girls, saying "One day that poor girl will realise she is being exploited by the older men who make this show" 

Hello, dumb internet lady- SHE is the show. SHE writes and directs and produces it all. SHE is in the drivers seat. Your comment is WAY more demeaning to women that the fact the Lena is brave enough to show us that not only perfect looking women get to be naked and have sex.

Girls is awesome. Watch it. Love it. Wear some shorteralls...

Ok, that's me. What are your faves on TV at the moment. And if you don't have a TV or only watch the ABC, that's OK, we can still be friends. I'll find a loophole...

Owl Says #2

I have invited to my owls to guest post on Tuesdays. They have a lot of opinions.

Maleny Pop Up Gallery.... aka 'My Mum is Awesome'

My mum is a member of a fantastic group of artists in the Maleny area. A few weeks ago, they opened the Pop Up Gallery. The twelve artists (nine painters and three 3D artists) came together in the old Pump House building, with an interest to bring more art to the town and also to revitalise empty buildings which are waiting to be leased.

The opening night was a huge success. The quality of the work is amazing. And I am not just saying that 'cos my mum is involved! All pieces are curated and juried by the group and they present a professional, varied, beautiful body of work.

They have been so successful at revitalising that old building, that it has ow been leased. 
They will be there 'til the end of the month, so if you are in the Maleny area, pop into the Pop Up! It's at 23 Bunya St, Maleny.

Hopefully they then will be looking to fill another empty shopfront in town. Isn't that a brilliant idea? Like a moving gallery.

I am so proud of my mum.

Do you support local artists?

Five Beautiful Boys

I had the pleasure of spending some time with my nephews a few weeks ago. It was to lovely to see all five of the boys my sister and I have made together. They really do look like  a set, don't they!

Seeing these boys together, it made me, as I often do, think about the responsibility of creating men. These five boys are all in very different stages of their boyhood. Two are just beginning. Two are in the middle and the biggest one is just about done. He is the end product, I guess.

I look at these five boys and I am incredibly proud.  Proud of the ones I made, and of the ones my sister had made. 

I think being a man must be really hard sometimes. Conflicted and confusing. I want my boys to be the kind of men who I would want to know.

I look at these five boys and I know they are going to be wonderful men.

This is a song that has always made me think of my Awesome Teenager, when he was little, and now- when life is happening to him while he makes other plans. He is on the cusp of the whole entire world. It's all there for him. He just has to take it. Then these other four boys, who, in turn will become men, will follow him. 

It is a long way to go..... but in the mean time....


Making men. Do you think it's a hard job?



*These five boys also have two girl cousins. Those two chicks are awesome and I love them very much. But this post is about boys. Sorry girls!!

I Wanna

My cousin Pete is way cool. And I'm not just saying that because he reads my blog :-) Although that does make him EVEN cooler...

Pete was telling me about an interview he heard with geek icon author Neil Gaiman. Apparently, Neil Gaiman doesn't have goals, or a life plan... he just has  'To Do' List. Shit that he just wants to get done. Whether that be writing a book or learning how to belly dance. (I'm not saying Neil Gaiman wants to learn how to belly dance. That's just an example. Neil Gaiman can probably ALREADY belly dance like a champ)

I have been thinking about this. Thinking about all the things I wanna do. So here is my Cousin Pete, Neil Gaiman To Do List inspired:

 'I Wanna List'

1) I Wanna Start a Choir

Really, I just wanna BE IN a choir, but I can't seem to find a cool fun choir that sings awesome songs and has nothing to do with God (Not that there's anything wrong with that... just not for me). I was reading Frankie magazine and there was this hipster couple who, like live in a wharehouse, make thier own shoes and are in a choir that sings Kate Bush songs. I wanna be in THAT choir!

So, who knows how to go about starting a choir? Who wants to be in a choir? Have I said choir too many times? CHOIR!

2) I Wanna Be in a Flash Mob

I know they are like, so four years ago, but I don't care. I wanna dance in a large group in a public place and make people smile.

Maybe I should organise a BLOGGER Flashmob... That would be cool.

Oh, and did I mention I totally can't dance, so someone else would have to be in charge of the choregraphy and teaching and stuff. Unless it's the Robot, Then I AM ALL OVER THAT.

3) I Wanna Read a Book Out Loud

Ok, so my husband thinks this is weird, but I want to read a book out loud to someone. Not like a performance in front of a crowd, just to a person. Maybe like an old person, or a blind person. I could volunteer. Do people do that in real life, or just in movies. Or I could read to someone who is just lazy and doesn't want to read a book themsleves. Like a live recorded book... is that a thing? Should I make it a thing?  It has to be a book I like, or want to read though. No Twilight or 50 Shades or any such nonsense. You can read that shit TO YORSELF.

OK, so that just three things to start out with on my I WANNA list. More to come.....

What would be on your I Wanna List? 

Owls Says #1

I have invited to my owls to guest post on Tuesdays. They have a lot of opinions.

Listmania: Jobs

My super organised bloggy friend Deb of Home Life Simplified does a link up each week called Listmania. She supplies a prompt for people to blog about. 

A few weeks ago, it was Jobs. I started writing the post, but due to the yukky fog of Depression  and chaos that has been sitting on my head lately, I never finished and missed the link up. 'Boo! You suck!" says my mean brain. 

But I looked at it today and thought it was funny, so here it is- weeks late, but here nonetheless. Better late than never (a mantra not shared by my previous employers)

Listmania: Jobs

I haven't had that many Jobs in my life. I was dragged into the wage earning game at 17 when my mum made me go and apply at the local Sizzler. Both my sisters worked there. There were very well thought of in the Sizzler universe, and I easily acquired a job in the 'Coldside' area (the front counterwhere you order your overpriced 'Salad' Bar) on thier fabulousness alone.

Surprisingly, I did not love my job at Sizzler. 

I did not love being compared to my fabulous sisters, and being teased mercilessly by their older, intimidatingly familiar friends.

I did not enjoy Neal, the manager, who cautioned me that my purple hair was putting the customers off.  Neal did not enjoy it when I appeared for my next shift wearing a tassly orange hippy scarf tied over my purple hair.

I did not love being made to wear a garbage bag with three holes cut in it to make the signature 'Cheese Bread'. Kinda like Bradley Cooper in Silver Linings Playbook. He was trying to get a sweat up. I, apparently, was too messy and had to wear the bag as punishment. Awkward 17 year old girls should TOTALLY be publicly shamed in front of older intimidating chef boys. It's awesome for thier self esteem. Fantastic Management skills there, Creepy Neal.

I did not enjoy the day I dropped two six packs of beer on Neals creepy manager feet. Six Packs expoded. Neal smelt like stale beer and disappointment for the rest of the shift.

I kind of enjoyed quitting the following week, I believe mere moments before Neal fired me.

My next job was when I was at University. I was studying art, livivng away from home for the first time, living in the city. That shit gets expensive! Even when your lovely parents are paying your rent!! (Dear Mum and Dad, I know I have said it before, but you are awesome and lovely and I was a jerky unappreciative 18 yo. Yours, Sincerely, 38 yo Me)

Beyond my better judgment, I ONCE AGAIN was talked into going for a job at a place where one of my sisters worked. My sisters have the hospitality Gene. I totally do not. I dont wanna touch your food. The End.

I got a job in the innner city cafe where my sister Debbie worked. The owner was a little bit in love with her, so he hired me, hoping, I guess to be gettin' himself another one! Poor him.

So, I worked there for a while. I was crap. I sucked. I didn't instinctively know how to be a waitress. It seemed a lot more complicated than it should have been. Like, did you know that if you turn on the little tap that fills up the water on an old school coffee machine, then go and have a ciggie break for like, half an hour, that boiling hot water will spurt out of every seam and crack of that coffee machine, spraying inoocent customers with scalding hot water? No, you didn't? Me neither.

I used to call in sick a lot, not turn up, I dropped stuff, I was generally crap. One day I went in to get my shifts for the week, and the owners wife (who may or may not have had it in for me, as her husband may or may not have been a little bit in love with my sister) told me I was fired. She said I was 'irresponsible and unreliable! ME! What the hell? Oh, yeah, that right. She was totally right. I thanked her and skipped out of the cafe feeling like the weight of the world had been lifted.

Then I went and totally proved her wrong by getting a rubbish tattoo on my boob.

I should totally use this post as my resume.

Book vs Device

I recently reread three Stephen King Classics: Carrie, The Shining and 'Salems Lot. I spied this omnibus edition on my sisters bookshelf a few weeks ago, so I snuck it into my bag.

I love the dog eared, yellow paged history of this book. As it is obviously a rerelease of the three titles, it doesn't feature the original cover artwork, but you gotta love Jack, don't you? (If I was Jennifer Lawrence, I would consider being his new girlfriend too...) This book even smells funny. Maybe because it was in my sister's office, which was flooded in the Australia Day floods.. but I like to think it smells like awesomeness.

And I TOTALLY love that this book was obviously stolen from our high school about twenty five years ago JODI. I always thought you were the good sister.
I was surprised by the fact that it is a school library book, though- I don't know that Sai King's works would be in high school libraries today, would they? I don't know.

I used to always have a book in my bag. Always. Any down moment in life- read a book. Socially challenging situation? Read a book. Waiting for movie to start in cinema? Read a book. 

And since I converted to a Kindle, and then when that died, reading books via the Kindle app on my phone, I am never without a book. I do however, dislike that when people see me reading on my phone they probably think I am texting, or reading Twitter, or something equally trivial. I want to say, "I'm reading a BOOK, you guys. I am like, totally intellectual. You should see my tweets. I'm heaps smart"

But, I wanted to revisit these SK gems, so I carted this mammoth brick of a book around with me for two weeks. That thing is heavy! I think I put my old lady back out! And have you tried reading a book that big in bed lately? It's hard. And annoying. And when you fall asleep mid sentence, this old stinky book DOES NOT automatically save where you were up to! What is this the 1800's?!?

SO, I love books, I love their history, their smell, their physicality. But man, I love that no matter how many pages a book is, it is always the same size as my lovely little phone. Sorry, hipsters, I fail the class. I like reading on my phone. Oh and I don't listen to 'records' and I totally don't need those glasses I am wearing in my profile pics. I just like them. 

What do you like? Book or Device?