Drawing the Photo a Day Week 1- Helping me get through.....

 I have really enjoyed this new challenge!!! All this drawing, and having a set task each day is really helping me with the process of weaning myself off the anti depressants I have been taking for the last few years. I'm in about week three of the process and it's a little tough some days. Drawing is a great way to calm my mind and help me cope with stress. I am looking forward to being medication free with a sketch book full of kick ass drawings under my arm!!!

Check out the Photo a Day goddess Fat Mum Slim and also B Being Cool who gave me the inspiration for drawing the challenge!!

Do you use art/craft/creativity to deal with stress or depression?

Today

Today is one of those days when you say to yourself,
"Self, what the hell is going on here? Why does everything feel like it sucks arse, when it actually doesn't?"
Self says,
"Because you are crap and nobody likes you."
And I say,
"What the Hell, Self? I thought we were in this together???"
Self says,
"I'm just messing with you. 'COS IT'S SO EASY"
When you suffer from Depression, some days it does seems easier to just lie on the couch, play Tetris on your iPhone and try not to think about anything.... Other than why Judge Judy's robe has a lace collar... Is it so she won't be mistaken for a dude?
But just 'cos it's easy, doesn't mean it's the right choice.
But, just because you know it's not the right choice, doesn't make it easier to make the RIGHT choice.....
SO, instead of playing another game of Draw Something, I am writing this. I don't feel like writing. Or blogging. Or making anything fabulous out of felt or fabric or words.
But I am making myself do it.
And then I am going to lie on the trampoline with my little monkeys and look at the sky.
And that is plenty for today.

shyness...

Morrissey of the Smiths once sang,

"Shyness is nice,
But, shyness can stop you
From doing all the things in life
You'd like to"


I think of this line often.
I am shy. 
I find it difficult to speak to people. Especially people I think are cooler/ cuter/ smarter/ better than me. 


I rarely initiate social interactions- even with my closest friends, just in case they have decided I am a nuisance, a bother, a dickhead.


I find it hard to follow up on opportunities my talent attracts (Hi Suger!) for fear that the person offering the opportunity will find out that I am not cool enough... cute enough... smart enough... good enough. 


I used to avoid contact with the parents of my child's playmates. I did not encourage his social life, as I was afraid the parents would judge me.... would think I was white trash. I regret this more than anything else in my life. I am terrified I will repeat this stupid behaviour when the twins begin to make friends.


I am shy. 


I can write here, and be honest and funny and cute. But if I saw you in the street, I would probably pretend I didn't see you, or didn't recognise you. Even though, I see everything and I recognise everyone I have ever glimpsed in my life.


I can stand on a stage and sing, or tell jokes. But if you come to the side of the stage after the show to speak to me, I will blush and stammer. And you will change your idea of who you thought I was. Just like I knew you would.


I actually don't think I'm shy. I am socially phobic. I suffer from depression, for which I take medication. I struggle every day with my asshole inner voice. Most days I win. Some days, I come in a close second. But, like DJ Lance says: I keep trying and I don't give up. 


I don't want to be shy. I don't want to be phobic and anxiety-filled at the thought of social interactions. I don't want the depression to make me slow and tired and useless.


So, I am going to try and believe that my Inner Voice is singing me the NEXT line of the song 'Ask'


"If there's something you'd like to try
If there's something you'd like to try
Ask me I won't say No,
How could I?"


x Gillian


*side note: I think Morrissey was probably talking about sex in the song 'Ask'. But whatever. 


also, I went to see Morrissey solo in 1991 with my sister Debbie at the old Festival Hall in Brisbane. He only played that one show in Oz that year, got the shits and went home. It was an awesome show. I remember catching the train into the city, thinking we were co edgy and cool in our vintage floral shift dresses, black ribbed tights and boots. When we arrived, we were surrounded by hundreds of girls who looked just like us. Where we came from (Logan) we were the only ones.

Belief

I am having a crisis of faith.

Faith in myself. 

I wonder... just what the hell do you believe in? 

What do you stand for?

And if it's not yourself, 

then what?

What do I believe?

I don't believe in God.

("To quote John Lennon, "I don't believe in Beatles, I just believe in me." Good point there. After all, he was the walrus. I could be the walrus. I'd still have to bum rides off people." ) 

I believe in Television and in Film.

I believe in stories and books and imaginings...

I don't believe in lies.

I believe in pride.

I don't believe in Xenophobia.....

Or Nationalism.

I don't believe in ignorance,

Though I believe I am ignorant on many subjects.

I don't believe in being an asshole about a subject

Of which you are intrinsically...

Ignorant.

I believe in the Universe.

I believe that some of us are new on this planet..

And some of us have been here many times before.

I believe in ghosts and aliens and spirits.

I believe in things I have never seen,

And don't understand.

I don't believe in John Edwards.

I believe in History.

I believe in knowledge.

I believe in shutting up

And I believe in speaking up.

I believe Kyle Sandilands is a cockhead.

And that Peter Serafinowicz is a funny, funny bastard.

I believe in the power of comedy

And the danger of reality.

I believe in love.

And the Universe's ability to provide it.

I believe in marriage.

I believe in my marriage.

I believe in friendship.

And commitment.

I believe in family

And my commitment to them.

I believe in risk.

I support living on the edge....

Or the fringe.

I believe in experiences.

Kick Ass experiences.

And safety....

I believe in safety and security.

I believe in solid ground and defined parameters.

I totally frickin' believe

In feeling safe.

I believe in art.... and beauty... and light and colour....

I believe in dreamers and thinkers and jesters.

I believe in creating

(but not Creation)

I believe in my talent.

I just don't believe in my identity.

x gillian

Art Therapy

 I have always found that repetitive, stream-of-consciousness type drawing is a great way for me to relax and to turn my brain off. I have been dong this since I was a teenager. I have always had issues with depression and anxiety and while I, in no way, have these issues beaten (hence going AWOL from this blog of late) I do have a few go to tricks to reboot my brain and make it stop the insanity... although sometimes it seems Houdini wouldn't have enough tricks for that... just ask my Lovely Husband...

This kind of drawing also lends itself beautifully to fabric design. SO, I am going to show you the process I use to make a therapeutic-stop-acting-crazy drawing into a beautiful fabric design!!

This is the original raw drawing. Drawn in my sketchbook with whatever coloured pens I had available. While watching CSI New York in bed. Do you think they will just keep making CSI shows in different cities until they run out of Who songs for the opening credits?

After I have scanned the drawing, it's converted  to black and white, then imported into Illustrator. I then Live Trace the drawing, converting it into vector.

 Then I can clean it up and smooth out any lumps and bumps. This is also extremely therapeutic. I love turning my brain off and just getting lost in the lines and points and curves.

I have always loved repetitive tasks. It's my slight OCD coming out it think! When I worked in Visual Merchandising, one of my favourite tasks was sorting out all the nuts and bolts and nails and screws. I should have worked on a production line in a factory. Like Laverne and Shirley. But that was beer, so it was probably smelly. Maybe more like Goldie Hawn in Swing Shift. She had a cuter head scarf...

SO, that is the start of the process. Next, I'll be finishing the clean up, then I will start thinking about how to repeat the pattern, and what colours I will use. Rock n Roll.

X Gillian for Tessie Designs