shyness...

Morrissey of the Smiths once sang,

"Shyness is nice,
But, shyness can stop you
From doing all the things in life
You'd like to"


I think of this line often.
I am shy. 
I find it difficult to speak to people. Especially people I think are cooler/ cuter/ smarter/ better than me. 


I rarely initiate social interactions- even with my closest friends, just in case they have decided I am a nuisance, a bother, a dickhead.


I find it hard to follow up on opportunities my talent attracts (Hi Suger!) for fear that the person offering the opportunity will find out that I am not cool enough... cute enough... smart enough... good enough. 


I used to avoid contact with the parents of my child's playmates. I did not encourage his social life, as I was afraid the parents would judge me.... would think I was white trash. I regret this more than anything else in my life. I am terrified I will repeat this stupid behaviour when the twins begin to make friends.


I am shy. 


I can write here, and be honest and funny and cute. But if I saw you in the street, I would probably pretend I didn't see you, or didn't recognise you. Even though, I see everything and I recognise everyone I have ever glimpsed in my life.


I can stand on a stage and sing, or tell jokes. But if you come to the side of the stage after the show to speak to me, I will blush and stammer. And you will change your idea of who you thought I was. Just like I knew you would.


I actually don't think I'm shy. I am socially phobic. I suffer from depression, for which I take medication. I struggle every day with my asshole inner voice. Most days I win. Some days, I come in a close second. But, like DJ Lance says: I keep trying and I don't give up. 


I don't want to be shy. I don't want to be phobic and anxiety-filled at the thought of social interactions. I don't want the depression to make me slow and tired and useless.


So, I am going to try and believe that my Inner Voice is singing me the NEXT line of the song 'Ask'


"If there's something you'd like to try
If there's something you'd like to try
Ask me I won't say No,
How could I?"


x Gillian


*side note: I think Morrissey was probably talking about sex in the song 'Ask'. But whatever. 


also, I went to see Morrissey solo in 1991 with my sister Debbie at the old Festival Hall in Brisbane. He only played that one show in Oz that year, got the shits and went home. It was an awesome show. I remember catching the train into the city, thinking we were co edgy and cool in our vintage floral shift dresses, black ribbed tights and boots. When we arrived, we were surrounded by hundreds of girls who looked just like us. Where we came from (Logan) we were the only ones.