I speak English. He speaks English.
You would think that we would speak the same language?
No Way, Dude.
So, here is a tutorial on how to translate 'ENGLISH' into English.
1) The Side.
The kitchen benches are called 'The Sides'. As in, "I'll just go and wipe down the sides." BUT: The TV channels are ALSO The Sides. As in, "Which side is Craig Ferguson on?" Confusion. What is Craig Ferguson doing on our kitchen bench? He lives in LA!!
Pants are undies. Pants is a funny word and will be giggled at. If you say, "Should I wear pants or a skirt?" He will be scandalised and say, "I think you should wear both!!!" What we call pants, he calls 'trousers'. Which to me is a word that should only be uttered by grandads about the pants of their WWII uniforms.
Not togs. Not Swimm-ers. Swimmies. How cute is that?
We pronounce it 'Yoe-gurt'
He pronounces it 'Yogg-ut'
How will we raise the children!?!?
OK. This is gonna be confusing and complicated. 'Juice' is any drink, excluding water and alchohol.
Coke is Juice. Lemonade is Juice. Cordial is Juice. And finally most confusingly, Juice is Juice. I have learned this and now accept this lunacy as normal. That's Love, man.
6) Joggy Bottoms
= Tracksuit pants. And one of the funniest word parings around. Joggy Bottoms should be the name of a retired old vaudvillian. Or a washed up stripper. "Here's the girl you've been waiting for... Joggy Bottoms!"
7) "Trunky wants a bun."
a) I want a bun
b) Don't be so nosy
c) Stop eating all the buns, fatty
When my Lovely Husband first said this to me, I thought he was saying "Chunky wants a bun." And I thought he was calling me fat. :-(
But of course, he wasn't. He was just telling me to mind my own damn business!
(The answer is actually B... like an elephant looking for buns.....stupid)
8) Route/ Root
So, in the UK, the word route (pronounced root) is NOT rude. It's how you get from here to there. That is all. So, when my cartographer husband says, "I'm just gonna plot our root." I giggle and say, "I appreciate your commitment, but why don't we just see what happens!" He rolls his eyes and says I'M immature. Then he snickers about the word 'Pants'.
OK, so I hope that's been helpful to those with Englanders in their lives. I hope you will now have less wacky misunderstandings about undies, elephants and yoghurt... (Hang on, I think that's a movie starring Joggy Bottoms...)
Do you have communication breakdowns with English speaking foreigners? Or cats? Or yourself?